"Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express what we really are."
Mexican Author
The Four Agreements
I've got a problem. It's kind of a big fucking deal, really. I'm a dreamer. At first I was going to use the word idealist but after checking dictionary.com I find that word too optimistic for the situation I'm relating to. See I'm one of those people that doesn't get the 9 to 5 guy. The dickhead that still rebels against adulthood. The guy who doesn't want to grow up. I don't do anything I don't want to because I'm disillusioned enough to believe that life isn't worth living if your not doing what you love. And there lies the gift and the curse. See, I'm doing what I like to do but not what I love. For me to do what I'd love; I'd have to give up what I like and head back to school for re-education. While I'm a dreamer I'm not crazy. You just don't want to be a mechanic and just start fixing cars. You need to be taught the engineering skills to better understand the car. Recently I've been having kind of whats referred to as a midlife crisis. Don't you fucking laugh! I'm serious. Yes, I know I'm only 28 but are you really alive after 60? Come on, your dead mentally way before that. See I believe an end is coming. The club life that I'm currently mentally and financially involved in is coming to an end. Sorry Sheldon, the dream is over. So I started asking myself what comes next. What's the next step? First I thought maybe I should be a businessman. Start a small company and work my way up, learn the trade and go work for one of these big corporate offices and build a good resume, marry a nice girl, shit like that. But that's submission. That's not what I want to do at all. What I'd like to do is write. It's true! I want to be a writer. I'd get into specifics but I've come to the realization that we have a few hating ass fagots(Scott Brooks) who read this blog and go blab the information to other people trying to start trouble. So I'll be generalizing from now on to avoid this. I tried my hand at writing before. It was total disaster. You know when you think your the shit and you show your stuff to people actually in the field and they laugh you out the room? Well that's what happened to me when I first made a serious attempt at it. I was untrained. My stories had no themes, believable characters, plot devices, nothing! It was just me telling a story that I thought people wanted to hear. It was vanity. So after my failure I asked around what would be good reading to get me on the right path. Everyone said Robert McKees fabulous book Story was the book for me. After reading it cover to cover I was on my way. But its not enough. You need to get your feet wet. So I have to make the decision; give up what I have now and go for it or stay here and just forget my dreams and grow up. It's really tough. I don't know what to do.
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